Many people who overthink in relationships aren’t doubting their partner, they’re monitoring the relationship. They replay conversations, analyze tone, and check for subtle shifts because staying connected feels deeply important. Overthinking becomes a way of trying to prevent disconnection, even when nothing is actually wrong. This is especially common among sensitive and thoughtful people, who may be acutely tuned into the feelings and thoughts of others. This typically comes from a place of care, not from distrust of the other person.
It’s Not About Distrust – It’s About Meaning
If this rings true, I want to emphasize that this is not coming from a place of distrust or paranoia. You likely have no reason to believe that your partner is being untruthful or lying. As humans, we like to make sense of things, that is how we come to decision making in life. This overthinking becomes a way to understand what things mean, and small changes in tone feel loaded with significance when we are constantly hyperaware of those around us. You may repeatedly ask yourself, “was there an underlying tone there?”, “did I do something wrong?” Or “are we okay?”. These questions we repeatedly ask and our tendency to check and scan comes from a protective part of us – anxiety tells us if we are able to anticipate things, then we are protected and can plan accordingly.
Fear of Disconnection Drives the Checking
Human beings by nature need connection with others in order to survive. We are social beings, and interacting with others becomes a way to find meaning in ourself. Connection with others, especially loved ones is essential, and emotional distance can feel threatening, especially when a partner is a part of your identity. Because of this, uncertainty in relationships is uncomfortable, and scanning for “the other shoe to drop” becomes a way to protect ourselves, especially if we are anxiously attached to others. This isn’t about being dramatic or needy, it’s about wanting closeness to feel secure. We may be triggered by attachment wounds from the past, such as losing someone important to us, and we remain on alert to prevent this from happening again. However, the more we check, the stronger this cycle becomes, and we feel we need to check and analyze in order to feel safe.
Emotional Hypervigilance in Relationships
Many of my clients come to therapy believing that these traits about them are weakness – their sensitivity, empathy, and introversion. These all come from a place of deep care for others, but they often struggle with decreased self esteem, so the shifts in others’ energy towards them feels catastrophic. We may be very good at reading people, which is a strength, but always needing to make sure the relationship is okay becomes fused with their identity. This sends the message to our brains that we must continue to stay hyperaware in order to monitor.
Being ‘Good’ in Relationships
Those who are hyperaware of the shifts in others tends to drive this fear of upsetting others, and cements the idea that it is our responsibility to not upset others. This becomes a pipeline to people pleasing – we want to be easy, supportive, agreeable, and understanding. By doing this, we often neglect our own needs, and avoid conflict and advocacy of ourselves. We then measure our own behavior by how the other person reacts, and implement this hyper responsibility on us. Our own needs and internal experience becomes secondary, and we feel responsible for the change in tone. We think – “if I dont trigger a reaction from my partner, then I am safe in the relationship”.
Why Overthinking Gets Worse the More You Care
The more time and investment in the relationship leads to the stakes feeling higher that this is something I cant lose. Early on in relationships, it feels less about us if the relationship doesnt work out. However, as attachment grows, the stakes feel higher and the mind works harder to protect the relationship. This feels like a protective response and an attempt to prevent a rupture that then we should blame on ourselves. That is not a flaw, but a strategy that makes sense logically, but does not leave room for responsibility of how the other person has contributed to the relationship.
When Monitoring Turns Into Self-Abandonment
Instead of letting the relationship progress as is, this becomes a manufactured way to prevent bad things from happening. There is a massive amount of over-responsibility, which causes us to lose touch with our own feelings, and how the relationship is serving us. You begin to take responsibility for how the relationship feels at all time. By constantly checking outward instead of inward, the relationship becomes about them, not you.
What Actually Helps
Instead of rationalizing and trying to logically explain things, we need to tap into our feelings, which is vulnerable and new for some of us. When we are hyper focused on an outcome, we lose the joy and other feelings of being in it. We want to let relationships breathe without constant monitoring, and reconnecting with our own needs. We want to allow closeness and vulnerability, and allow for healthy conflict and disagreement, without feeling the need to manage it or prevent it from happening. The future is an unanswerable question, and we need to tolerate the uncertainty.
If you find yourself constantly checking how your partner feels about you, it doesn’t mean you’re too much or doing relationships wrong. Often, it means connection matters deeply to you – and learning how to stay connected without monitoring every emotional shift is something that can be practiced over time.
Therapy can be a space to explore this pattern without judgment and learn how to stay connected without losing yourself in the process. If you are interested in learning more about therapy for anxiety, click here.
Emily Austin, LCSW, is the founder of Emily Austin Therapy, a virtual private practice specializing in evidence-based treatment for anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). She works primarily with high-functioning Millennial and Gen Z women who struggle with overthinking, intrusive thoughts, perfectionism, and people-pleasing. Emily provides virtual therapy to clients in New Jersey, New York, and Florida.
